night ghost. MHJ. xviiRight now, and by that I mean right-now-this-very-second-now, I am sat up in bed, wearing the longest of white night-gowns, and the woolliest of woolly socks (forcing myself to believe that it is actually winter might make this all a little easier). I am trying, and trying, and trying to puzzle out where the problem lies. I suppose there are only really two possible answers. Either the problem lies with other people, or it lies with me. Human nature, of course, urges me to place the blame on others, but I think my own case rather more convincing.
Actually, I'm not sure that seeking the source of the problem will really be of much use. In fact, I think, all that really matters is trying to find an answer to that question. It's just that fields of mushrooms are beginning to fill the stale gaps between our conversations. It's just that I sometimes forget the sound of my own voice. It's just that I feel very little. When time ceases once more to be linear and I find myself tramping lost across the dusty clock face, will there be someone there with a map and a candle (and perhaps a chocolate biscuit)?
Oh, dearest Minna; I've been worried about you. I'm so sorry to hear of your struggles. Your words are as beautiful as ever, though.
ReplyDeleteThese problems can take forever to reveal and/or resolve themselves, but I feel certain life will become right again, slowly but surely. Keep hanging on, and in the meantime fill your days with tea and quilts and freshly-sharpened pencils and dreams of castle towers. <3
(You make the sweetest of night ghosts! Wearing nightgowns is one of my favourite things about cold weather.)
Oh, dear Minna, how I relate to this. I too sometimes forget the sound of my own voice and not just that but also myself. There are times when I look in the glass and wonder if it's really me, if I really look like that. It's a bit scary to be able to forget one self like that, don't you think?
ReplyDeleteI've stopped trying to find an answer though. I know that the problem lies with me, I've always known. I wish there were someone with a map and a candle but I'm certain there isn't anyone for me. I've been thinking about drawing a map myself and I would draw one if I only had what it takes. Maybe, though, the answer itself is indeed drawing the map yourself. As the problem lies with me could it be that the solution does too?
Anyways, I'm so glad to hear from you! Been missing you. I hope all is well, Minna. :)
Poor girl, I hope there will be someone there, waiting with a whole unopened pack of chocolate biscuits. I have really missed your words; they are delicate and intriguing and sad and beautiful. You have always been the best at writing melancholy. (Ps, I believe Jessica is right; the problem and the solution belong to the same person. Perhaps there is some comfort in that?)
ReplyDeleteOh, Minna. I hope everything is fine. I actually wanted to ask you whether you got my letter in the spring, when I was still in France. I think you did, because you asked whether you should send the letter to Finland or not. Anyway, I'm in Finland now, but don't feel any pressure about letter writing! I just wish that you're well, even if it would be nice to hear from you. :)
ReplyDeleteLove, Anniina
Love, there is little for me to say without parroting others' wise and kind words - I have missed you, truly, and I wish nothing but the best for you. Do keep warm, and I am sending you lots of hugs and light in the hopes that you find your way (you will, you will).
ReplyDeleteTime is a strange friend; please never forget how you are loved and all - ♥
minna <3 <3 <3
ReplyDeleteyou truly could never have any idea what your words mean to me
you are sweeter than a thousand knights upon white horses coming for their princesses
and kinder than all the brass-buttoned soldiers that whisper velvety words of longing and love in their ideal girl's ear
i am sending you warm winds and invisible purple hearts tied down by pink balloons that stay in the air for all eternity but never actually fly away--
xx
You have such a cute flickr, and blog <333
ReplyDeleteMinna, dear, I hope things get better for you sooner than you expect. Remember you are loved and will always be.
ReplyDeleteYour beautiful heart shines through your words.
All my love. xx